2017-08-04 / Columns

Invasion of the body snatchers

Hot Flashes
Elizabeth Kirby


WHO’S WALKING WHOM?— Summer walks with a guest dog lead to a tangle of leashes on Camino de Critters in Thousand Oaks. 
ELIZABETH KIRBYAcorn Newspapers WHO’S WALKING WHOM?— Summer walks with a guest dog lead to a tangle of leashes on Camino de Critters in Thousand Oaks. ELIZABETH KIRBYAcorn Newspapers Just like that, our summer of sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll is almost over. How did that happen? I don’t know about your summer of love, but ours is not going gently into that good night. It’s more like a summer of coyotes, bugs and a grand-dog.

Sound romantic?

Well, turns out romance has been popping in the coyote den, as there’s a population explosion in the local colony. Those neighbors who blast Barry White through their outdoor speakers must have inspired a little lovin’. Better knock on the door and suggest “Die Fledermaus” for next spring.

I’ve kinda wondered if the critters heard about the great coyote Medicaid plans in California. Obviously, they ignored the free birth control option but liked the maternity feature.

Whatever the reason, we’ve got a baby boomer generation of coyotes prowling the hills looking for trouble in all the wrong places. Pretty soon they’ll be wanting free tuition and trips on the bullet train.

To add insult to injury, there’s a bunch of bugs that find us more appealing than traditional bug vittles. Well, I’m glad someone thinks I’m sexy but honestly, I’d prefer a better kisser.

To combat the bug blast, we’ve incorporated a few aggressive procedures.

If you suspect Chernobyl, you’re close; those are anti-bug fumes rising from our pad. Back in college days, I think they called it a “contact high.”

Here on Camino de Critters, you can get stoned on citronella fumes from our torches topped with some “snuff” to powder down anything that crawls. And we used to worry about DDT.

They say everything is natural. Organic they call it. I only buy the kind that doubles as a bug killer and ice cream topping.

Based on the success rate, I’d say the critters think this stuff is great. We’re their local Starbucks serving up a morning fix. Come and get it, pals.

To top it off, we’re dog-sitting a bouncy labradoodle, daughter of my frequently pregnant one. She’s an expert at breeding boys. They’re at the beach. I’m in the kennel.

You see, I already have two labradoodles. Do the math and I have three. Doodly doodly doo. My new charge is just a puppy who has lots of energy in the morning when I’m still trying to boot up. So I read the newspaper to her. Turns out she is not interested in the White House Communications Office. Smart girl.

Nor is she interested in napping like her cousins until I take her for a walk. And so we walk, crisscrossing leashes, while I attempt to scoop and say good morning to my neighbors.

While I’m tangled up in the mess, she greets everyone with enthusiasm, so I’ve made her my communications director. Smarter girl.

That’s my rockin’ hot summer. As the saying goes, the bug bites will fade but the memories will last forever.

Elizabeth Kirby has been a resident of Thousand Oaks since 1983. Reach her at kirby@theacorn.com or kirby.hanson@verizon.net. To read all her columns, check out her Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/#!/elizabethkirbyandhotflashes.

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