Dorman What kind of sicko pulls for the New England Patriots to win anything, much less a Lombardi Trophy?

Popped - collar pr ppies like Sully Appelbaum, that’s who.

Seriously, son, that ridiculous photo could easily pass as your senior-year mug shot from Worcester Academy.

Did you wear layer upon layer of Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirts to this particular shoot—protocol for any Boston sports fan—or was it just sweltering on set? Looking a little lathered, guy.

Anyway, enough about Appelbaum and his perspiration problems.

Back to the Patsies.

There are countless reasons to despise the Cheaters from Chowderville.

A few that immediately come to mind: The franchise’s performance in Super Bowl XX against the Chicago Bears; Victor Kiam’s Remington Razor commercials; the Dick MacPherson era; the Tuck Rule; Bill Belichick’s sawed-off sweaters; Tom Brady shirtless at the NFL Combine; Tom Brady with short hair; Tom Brady with long hair; Tom Brady pushing UGG boots; Spygate; 18-0; Vince Wilfork’s gut; Rob Gronkowski’s touchdown spikes; wide receivers playing cornerback and tight ends lining up at running back; and the fact that the Patriots own two firstround picks in this year’s draft.

Like I said, it’s only the tip of the iceberg.

But there’s no need to fret, haters, because the New York Giants are going to break the Patriots’ spirit just like they did in Super Bowl XLII and just like they did in Week 9 of this season.

I envision things going down like this on Super Sunday:

New York plays its third consecutive postseason game as an underdog—the Giants were eight-point dogs against Green Bay, two-point dogs versus San Francisco and three-point dogs to New England—and once again thrives with an us-against-the-planet mentality.

At some point, Giants defensive linemen Jason Pierre-Paul and Justin Tuck sandwich Brady and drive his pretty face into the Indianapolis turf.

Gisele’s husband staggers to his feet with help from three offensive linemen, but the damage is done—Brady has a boo-boo and requires a Band-Aid.

Somewhere in Moorpark, meanwhile, Appelbaum kicks his cat and takes a big swig off a Pomegranate Raspberry Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler to help ease his impending pain.

Smelling blood—the Patriots’, not the cat’s—New York quarterback Eli Manning goes off against a suspect secondary. Giant pass-catchers Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz have huge games, with Cruz finding pay dirt more than once.

As hometown hero Peyton Manning watches the action from a wheelchair on the sideline, Gisele’s husband rallies New England late in the fourth quarter.

It’s all for naught, however, as Patriot wideout Wes Welker allows a potential game-winning touchdown pass to slip through his puny fingertips.

And the world celebrates another Super Bowl setback for New England.

Final score: 31-27, Giants

MVP: Eli Manning, QB, Giants

Five halftime performers that would rock more than Madonna: The Knux, Far East Movement, Damian Marley, Midnight Oil and LMFAO.

Best Super Bowl libation: Anything but Bartles & Jaymes.

Email Stephen Dorman at sdorman@theacorn.com.