Flying is not fun

I used to love to fly. I used to be able to afford to fly.

Today, flying is more expensive than ever. And there are more lines, there's more work, and there's more hassle.

My family and I recently took a vacation to enjoy the snow in Colorado. We took a plane.

The scene opens at the airport check-in counter where my wife and son I and can't even get our seat assignments.

The ticket agent takes our itinerary and replaces it with another itinerary, which we must trade in for a ticket at the gate. And then the agent sends us to security to wait in a line as long as the Amazon River.

After an hour in line security strips us down and treats us as if we were terrorists.

I'm allowed to bypass the metal detector because I have a pacemaker, but I get patted down everywhere else. Bystanders stare at me and seem to be saying, "I hope that guy's not on our plane. He looks like a terrorist."

At the gate, my family can't just sit and wait to board peacefully like in the old days. My wife and I are repeatedly called to the front desk because, evidently, our young son is not seated next to either one of us and therefore other passengers have to be shuffled around.

About 30 minutes later and after several more trips back to the desk we finally get our seat assignments. My son gets to sit next to me on the plane, but my wife is banished to the other end of the cabin. So much for a family outing.

Meanwhile, my son is hungry, so we get some lunch. The high cost of food in an airport makes movie theaters look like a 99-cent store. So much for the $100 in my wallet.

When we finally board, my carry-on baggage gets rejected and I have to check it onto some cart on the tarmac. The same bag had never been rejected before. Why this time? And why does the lady next to me get to carry her dog onto the plane? Where do you put a dog? In the overhead bin or under the seat in front of you?

Here's something I never understood about flying: Why does your seat back have to be in its full, upright and locked position? It's no Lazy Boy. It doesn't recline back that far anyway. And if the plane crashes, will sitting in a nonreclined seat really save you?

As soon the plane takes off my son announces to pretty much everybody in the cabin that he has to go potty. I generally don't like to touch anything in a public restroom for fear of germs, but I'm doomed because the bathroom on the plane is smaller than an ashtray. Then there's turbulence and it bounces us around like a pinball.

I finally get back to my seat and try to sleep. That's about the time the piercing sound of the flight attendant announcing her frequent flyer deals wakes me up and almost gives me a heart attack. No wonder they have seatbelts. I almost jumped out of my chair and hit my head on the overhead light.

The flight attendant spends 40 minutes making random announcements and then tells us to enjoy the flight. How am I going to enjoy the flight when I've been miserable all day? I was stripped down and fondled by some airport security guy I didn't find all that attractive, I feel dirty from the airplane bathroom experience with my son, the stewardess on the loud speaker has made my ears ring as if I was at the shooting range all day without ear plugs, and my wallet is completely empty. There's no enjoyment going on here.

The plane eventually lands and my wife and I are happy to begin our vacation in Colorado's winter wonderland. We look out the window to discover we've landed at the wrong airport. We have to jump back on another plane and fly again.

Next time, we're taking the train.

E-mail Michael Picarella at pic@nappic.com or go visit www.myspace.com/familymen.