The Art of Giving

"A well-chosen present is love made visible."

I found this phrase in a catalog selling upscale women's clothing, and it started me thinking about what we believe (and are led to believe) about gifts.

I used to agonize over what to give people. I thought about their personality, their lifestyle, the status of our relationship, my financial means- to the point where "analysis paralysis" set in and I ended up giving money or a gift card.

And this was before it was socially acceptable to give these kinds of gifts. Recently I overheard a television commentator advising his audience to "not forget about the gift of money."

Over the years I have come to value a particular kind of gift above all- the gift of time. Personal time is a valuable commodity, a gift we tend to reserve for those most precious to us.

Or do we? For many of us, time together with loved ones is limited and superficial, perhaps only available during holidays when stress is at its peak.

Hectic holiday expectations and preparations can result in frayed tempers and an unraveling of family ties.

These ties may not be solid to begin with if they have not been tended to during the months prior.

It's difficult to go from a polite distance to joyous immersion in family togetherness without some practice. The old saying is "You reap what you sow." Perhaps the best preparation for a memorable holiday is spending time with others all year-round.

Mental health and the giving of time to someone else really go together; mental health is really relationship health.

Who is better to "practice on" than family?

This kind of mental health can be found in very unexpected places.

I recently observed a family "gathering" in the waiting room of an ICU. A 38-year-old man lay in critical condition with burns over 40 percent of his body.

His brother, sisters and mother came from all over the Southland to comfort his grieving wife and attend to their two young children.

They endured heavy traffic, potential job loss, lack of personal comfort and even poor health to assemble day after day in a united and solid presence. The children, usually a sign of family health or dysfunction, were bright and cheerful.

They were actively engaged, with the help of an aunt, in designing get-well cards for their father. The family prayed often together.

I was there to offer counseling services that they clearly didn't need- they had each other. This was a family without financial means, but they gave of their time, a priceless offering.

Sometimes it's easier to extend the gift of time to our friends than our biological relatives. After all, we choose our friends. We've had one dose too many of Aunt Edna's sarcastic wit or watched cousin Fred sink into an alcoholic stupor in front of the latest bowl game too many times.

The important thing to remember is that, no matter how dysfunctional we feel our families to be, we have to work on acceptance, maybe even forgiveness in some extreme cases.

We can choose to limit our time with them and build up relationships in other areas of our lives, but we can't totally walk away. We end up with regrets, sometimes too late to repair.

The odd thing about staying in touch with people is that it makes us stronger, more able to clearly see and understand not only the other but also ourselves in the process.

Families mirror us in particular ways. We can sometimes see a little bit of Aunt Edna in ourselves and, knowing how hurtful that can be to others, guard against these tendencies. Families can serve to make us better people, even if only as bad examples to follow.

That sounds a bit harsh. The truth is that even Aunt Edna has her good points. She makes wonderful turkey gravy.

The gift of extending grace ranks right up there with time.

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Oak Park, (818) 512-7923. Send questions/comments via e-mail to askDrDB@yahoo.com or visit www.DrBarber for more information.