Family Men Don't Wear Name Brands

Thumb sucker

Does anyone know how to cure a thumb-sucker?

My son is now 4 years old. Six months ago, the dentist told me that my boy needed to stop sucking his thumb by the age of 4 or he'd push his teeth out and would need braces. So my wife and I officially began "Mission: Abort Thumb Sucking," which seems a mission impossible.

As a baby, my son never needed a pacifier. That's because my wife and I never gave him a pacifier. He never really sucked his thumb, either. We were happy. We were proud. "Look, our boy doesn't use a pacifier or suck his thumb," we told everyone. We were mistaken.

At around age 1, the child began sucking his thumb. His right thumb, to be exact. Never the left. He seems to suck his thumb when he's sleepy or when he gets hurt or seems insecure.

Plan A

My wife and I tried to get our son to stop sucking his thumb by rubbing Tabasco sauce all over it. Yup. We lathered up that thumb with tons of the hot, spicy stuff.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "Now I'm all dirty." My son is somewhat of a Howard Hughes- a bit of a neat freak, which isn't so bad if you think about it.

"It's not dirt," I told my son. "It's so you don't suck your thumb. Okay? So don't suck your thumb."

Human nature kicked in and the boy sucked his thumb. "Mmm, this is good," he said. He sucked the rest of the Tabasco sauce off his thumb and asked for more.

Plan B

I wrapped a cloth around his thumb and fastened it together really well with a few pounds of duct tape- but not too tight. I didn't want to cut off the circulation to the thumb and have the thing drop off.

The boy stared at his silverpackaged thumb for a while, confused. He looked at his left thumb, but wasn't having it. He just wouldn't suck that left thumb. What can I say? He's prejudiced against left thumbs.

The boy tried pulling the tape and cloth off his right thumb with his free left hand. No luck. He decided to use his teeth. Great idea. He stopped sucking his thumb, for a while anyway. Now he may not need braces, but he will need new teeth. He probably destroyed the enamel trying to take off the tape and cloth I had masterfully adhered to his thumb.

Plan C

My wife and I wheeled in the scare tactics. We told our son, who had resumed his habit, that he'd wreck his thumb and wreck his teeth if he kept sucking his thumb.

"The thumb would be no good anymore," we told him. "You won't be able to pick up toys anymore. You won't even be able to open presents anymore. The thumb might even fall off if you keep sucking it. The teeth would surely have to be taken out, and you'll have to eat food through a straw. And the tooth fairy will never visit."

The boy stopped sucking his thumb and looked at his mother and me. After a brief pause, he went back to sucking his thumb. My wife and I were the real suckers.

Plan D

Next came the heavy artillery. My wife resisted. I didn't hold back.

"Only little, little babies suck their thumbs," I told the boy. He continued sucking. "Did you hear me? Are you a little baby? Are you gonna cry? Do you wanna go in a stroller? You want your crib back? You wanna put on a diaper? Are you a little, little baby?"

He stopped sucking his thumb and looked right at me. Then he spoke. "Well, I don't want to get too big, or I'll break the house like Johnny Bravo did in that one 'Johnny Bravo' cartoon where he got really big and got house all over the place. So I better suck my thumb so I don't get too big." He plugged the thumb back into his mouth and that was that.

Plan E

Someone told me that positive reinforcement is the only way to teach a kid anything. So my wife and I offered our son all sorts of treats if he stopped sucking his thumb.

Guess what? It worked. Just like that. It was almost magic. We even saw our boy go to suck his thumb and then stop as soon as he realized what he was doing. Fantastic.

My wife and I smiled. We were happy. We were proud. "Look at what naturals we are as parents," we said. We were mistaken.

At naptime, we found that thumb was back in his mouth.

So it's back to the drawing board. Any ideas out there?

E-mail Michael Picarella at pic@nappic.com.