Connecting

Communication 101

Communication- actually the lack of it- is an issue that often brings couples into therapy. A recent study has disputed the age-old understanding we've had about "men of few words." Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found men and women to be equally talkative, although their focus of conversation differs: Men talk about "things" whereas women discuss "other people." It appears that "the strong, silent type" may be an urban myth. What, then, is the problem in communication?

I have a theory about that. It has to do with overstimulation in our society these days. We are constantly on the move, at work and at play, and our relationships reflect that. We rarely spend much time at one activity before we are "bored" and on to the next. We don't seem to be able to "sit" with one another and spend time just talking (and of course, listening).

I caught myself the other day rushing from one activity to the next, all the while having a conversation with my son, who was in the same room. It wasn't until much later that I realized I had made no eye contact with him whatsoever during the entire conversation. And I'm supposed to be an "expert" in communication?

We lose a lot of the "nuances" of intimate connection when we "rush" communication. So much of it is nonverbal. When our eyes are glued to the television set we fail to pick up on the pain on our partner's face even if his voice is normalsounding. So many things compete for our attention, and we value productivity to a fault. The more things we can accomplish simultaneously, the better we feel about ourselves.

I once watched a man shave, consult a map and carry on a phone conversation all while he was driving the freeway in rushhour traffic. Did I mention that he had a little dog on his lap?

John Gottman, PhD, noted marital researcher, describes some communication behaviors that are helpful to couples. One is the "turning toward your partner," where one reaches out to the other for emotional connection.

This operates on a fairly continuous basis in successful relationships in the form of a comment, a question, a smile, hug or some other mutually acceptable behavior. These "bids for connection" strengthen emotional bonds, friendship and romance.

I recently watched the 12yearold son of a friend demonstrate this beautifully, although he is not yet in a committed relationship.

He was in a group of older teens who were heavily engrossed in the discussion of who was dating whom and what happened, etc., and he was feeling somewhat left out.

I watched him leave the group and disappear upstairs, thinking that was the last we'd see of him for a while.

However, a few minutes later he returned with his pet hamster in a plastic exercise ball.

Immediately, the group left their discussion to focus on this furry bit of cuteness, asking the boy all sorts of questions about his pet and, of course, including him in the group "connection." I'm sure most of us would have been tempted to sulk or get angry in a similar situation.

A couple I know has a television in every room. When friends come by, there is always a game on, and usually the men group themselves around the TV, and the women are in the kitchen or another room chatting. All conversation is carried on with the "din" of the TV in the background.

The sad part is that not only do they not "hear" much of what is going on with friends, they also don't know much about each other's lives. The TV dominates their focus; there is no "silence" for normal conversation. In fact, many people feel uncomfortable with silence these days.

However, a certain amount of silence can generate the need for conversation (and I don't mean the "silent treatment"). Remember front porches? There was no TV out there, just a lot of conversation about "things" and "people." I like to think that people really knew each other in those days, without all the media distraction.

Some therapists believe that TV has no place in the bedroom, and I happen to be one of them. Take it out- you may be surprised at what happens next.

I cannot end this column without mentioning the "L-word." Yes, Virginia, it's "listening." We are too caught up in our own words or in worry that what we say may not be well-received or even heard and on and on and on.

I often help couples create space for communication, and that involves suspending their own communication agenda and paying attention to their partner's. It goes beyond words to include tone of voice, gesture, facial expression and all the other subtleties that make up conversation.

When was the last time you felt someone really listened to you? Now go and do that for someone you love. Turn off the TV. Stop multitasking when family is around to be noticed. Look your partner in the eye. Get a hamster. Small, simple adjustments like these can result in better communication and deeper, more satisfying relationships.

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in individual adult and couples therapy, with a private practice in Oak Park. Phone: (818) 512-7923. Send questions/comments to askDrDB@yahoo.com.