The Movie Nut
"Transformers"
Directed by: Michael Bay

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Rachael Taylor, Jon Voight, John Turturro, Anthony Anderson

Rated: PG13 (intense CGI violence, brief adult situations with sexual humor, slight adult language)

Running time: 145 minutes

Best suited for: adolescent and teenaged boys, Hasbro shareholders, Transformers (the toy) junkies, likely Nascar and "Terminator" fans as well.

Least suited for: Remember "The Hours"? People who loved that film.

The blond kid, about 12, left the theater in front of me, pulling hard on his mother's arm. He kept saying, "Sweet! Sweet!" to her, unable to conceal his euphoria. He was hopping, popping, twitching, as if he'd just eaten three bowls of Cap'n Crunch, the sugar rush consuming his body. Mom seemed not to be aware, not to hear, likely somewhat deafened by the barrage of sound that had filled her head these last 2½ hours.

We'd all just emerged from

"Transformers," Michael Bay's homage to the 20-year-old Hasbro phenomenon, the toy that's part automobile, part super robot from outer space. Like some malvolent Rubik's Cube- a twist here, a turn there- suddenly that ordinary automobile was a menacing Autotron, a galactic soldier fighting the forces of evil while protecting the human race from termination.

The blond kid told his mother "Sweet" again, five or six more times. She reminded me of one of the extras in a "Living Dead" film- grim, plodding, gray-faced. She'd clearly not been impressed. How long, I wondered, until the DVD emerges? I suspected the reprieve, no matter how long, wouldn't be long enough for her.

"It was sooooo cool," he said, "that part when Optimus Prime blew up the . . ."

I stopped listening. Optimus Prime had blown up so many, many things during those last two hours. Optimus Prime is one of the good Transformers, as opposed to the bad Transformers, who are fighting a battle on planet Earth, each side hoping to procure the Allspark, a sort of Transformer Holy Grail (oh, just go with it) that had crash-landed on Earth eons before.

These indestructible robot forces have recently rediscovered the Allspark, and the battle lines have been drawn between the Decepticons (the bad guys) and the Autobots (the good guys).

Understand that there are decades of fable and back-story built around these alien life-forms- complete with a resilient, cultlike fanaticism reminiscent of the "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" franchises. So the less I say about individual robots, their habits, astrological signs and their metaphysical place in the universe, the better off I'll probably be.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, dorky teen Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) unknowingly holds the key to what all these heavy metal creatures want. Fortunately, Sam needs a new car, and since the Autotron named "Bumblebee" happens to resemble a hot, gold 2009 Camaro, their lives intertwine. (If one gets tired of the film at this point, one can kill time counting the number of General Motors' product placement moments "Transformers" provides.)

Truth be told, I was smitten with the film's opening, the first halfhour reminiscent of "Predator"- a band of our intrepid Special Forces guys fighting some unseen, unstoppable horror.

I even enjoyed the hopelessly nerdy Sam and his bumbling scenes with the unapproachable Mikaela (Megan Fox), who becomes an unwitting accomplice in Sam's close encounter with the Transformers.

But I suspect Michael Bay and the film's arc itself were long ago destined to follow some ancient hallowed Hasbro lore- and thus "Transformers" gets a tad mired in its own silly rhetoric here and there. These Transformers are the new world saviors as well as awesome metal pugilists, and Bay's homage doesn't let us forget that.

Still, the director makes up for a good many potential drawbacks with his ability to provide breathless, firstrate, nonstop CGI carnage. "Transformers" is probably one of the wildest CGI rides I've ever taken.For the special-effects junkie, it's a pretty good one.

So please understand that I've not succumbed to all the adrenalincharged hype when I allot five acorns to this film, with the understanding that those inclined to agree are probably male, 8 to 18 and addicted to the technology of the 21st century.

For this demographic, "Transformers" will not only be a keeper, it will most likely become a spiritual icon, with many sequels already destined, Harry Potter-style, for years and years to come.