Simi Acorn's summertime sports at the beach showdown
It's almost Memorial Day, time for Thomas Gase and Stephen Dorman to debate the best sand game

Gase

Since I've spent most of the last few years living in San Francisco, my favorite beach sport lately has probably been running. As in, "I just went into the water where the temperature is colder than a freezer, and now I'm running out of it as fast as I possibly can to try and get warm."

But as a kid growing up in sunny Los Angeles I had another favorite sport at the beach. Although the game has no official rules and half the people I have talked to thought I was making up it up on the spot, smashball is the best sport to ever be played on the sand.

No, smashball is not a drinking game, although the title may suggest it. It's a sport that combines tennis, racquetball and pingpong.

Although there is no definite way to play the game, the most common method is to take a wooden paddle and hit a rubber ball shaped like a racquetball at another person and his or her paddle and keep the volley going as long as possible.

My friends and I would usually hit the ball just far enough away from the other person that they would have to dive in the sand for it to try and keep the volley going.

Dorman

Later in life, when I would play baseball, I would attribute any great diving stop at second base to my time spent playing smashball. If there's anything the sport teaches, it's quick hand-eye coordination.

You can also play smashball by yourself. I can still hear my mom telling me it was time to go and yelling back at her, "No, not yet! I've hit the smashball 946 straight times without it touching the ground. In another 10 minutes I'll have a new record!"

So, because I had as much balance as an elephant on ice skates, I decided not to learn how to surf and instead focus all my time on smashball. I figured the girls would still come running.

At the beach I tried to imagine that I was playing in a huge stadium with thousands of fans, and each time I hit another volley, the crowd would roar with approval.

It didn't matter that the sport had as much of a future as Michael Richards' comedy career, because I figured if the luge and biathlon- skiing with a rifle, which is an epic athletic endeavor onto itself- were Olympic sports, then I had a chance to get a gold medal in smashball.

Instead of becoming a star, though, I'm now writing a story on this great, legendary game. Nevertheless, I still think I'm the best smashball player ever. Don't think so? Just wait until Ken Burns' documentary comes out.

- Contact Thomas Gase at tgase@theacorn.com Dorman

We've spent all this time together, Tom, and only now do you inform me that you're a regular John McEnroe with the smashball paddle in your grips.

Talk about being in the presence of greatness.

Look, regardless of your lifelong smashball success- and what an uplifting tale it is- the No. 1 beach sport is, and has always been, horseshoes. Surfing and skimboarding don't count; they are water sports.

Bocce ball is awesome. Football on the sand can be a riot. Volleyball players look really fit and have great tans. But please, if you want to be king of the beach this summer, you better have your horseshoe game on lockdown.

I'm serious, man, because I'm a natural-born hustler with the steel in my hand, and I promise you there are many 40plusyear-old dudes without jobs and alligator skin faces who'll be looking to take money from you on the north side of the Santa Monica Pier over the next few months.

Be wary.

I may not be a card-carrying member of the National Horseshoe Pitchers Association, but I still take this game very seriously. If you're on my team you better bring it or I'll dump you for someone else. So what if you're my friend? This is business, playa'.

Some people might not appreciate my in-your-face attitude on this subject. But I'll tell you something, I grew up on the rugged shores of Pacific Beach, La Jolla and Del Mar, and if you can't throw the 'shoes in those places, well, you're of little use to anyone, really.

Greatness on the sand is directly determined by your ability to toss a horseshoe and wrap that baby around a metal pole lodged into the pit.

Oh sure, they'll give a point for being closer than the competition, but that's just a consolation prize. The real horseshoe studs go for the ringer every time. Losing is not an option for people like us.

Any advice, you ask. Here's a tip: It's all about balance and options.

For example, learn to toss with a beverage in your hand. In my case it's throw with the left, sip with the right and talk smack out of both sides of the mouth.

If someone wants to call it a "friendly game" and then proceed to cross over the foot-foul line on all of their throws, call them out and challenge their ethics. A little unexpected sand in the eye never hurt anyone, either.

And always remember, close doesn't count in horseshoes and hand grenades. The only thing that counts in those circumstances is winning.

- Contact Stephen Dorman at sdorman@theacorn.com