I was at a wedding reception recently when a woman at my table, upon learning that I was a therapist, leaned over and said, "I don't believe in working on a marriage. Marriage shouldn't be about work; it's about having fun!"

Upon further inquiry I learned that she felt most women were self-centered and didn't treat men well enough. Her own husband of three years, having had two ex-wives, asked during their courtship, "When are you going to stop being so nice to me?"

Obviously, she understood something about what it takes to have a relationship, so maybe the "work" part was just a matter of semantics.

What does it mean to "work on a relationship"? Is it like going to work every day and putting in the time and effort, sometimes without result? Is it so devoid of fun and full of sacrifice that only the most determined can make it? I don't believe so.

In fact, I know a few couples who make it look easy and have fun together while doing it. As I have observed these couples, I've noted some similarities.

First, they know themselves pretty well individually. They have spent some time working on personal issues and gaining in maturity and growth. They feel good about themselves even apart from their relationship; their relationship is not about "completing them" but about sharing strengths. They have well-balanced lives including friends, family, work, hobbies and spirituality.

Second, their attitude in relationship is anything but selfish. Their partners usually come first. They do not give with expectation but out of a sincere desire for the well-being of the other. They support one another's dreams and goals, even if those dreams do not exactly coincide with their own. They find a way to make it work but also allow for compromise - they are flexible, not rigid.

I know of one couple where his passionate hobby is in an area where she has extreme fear for him. Over the years, she has been able to work through these fears enough to support him in this endeavor, and as a result he has been able to connect with her more deeply.

Third, they have realistic expectations. They have enough experience with relationship to know what's coming. There will be times when it seems like work, when romance is on the back b u r n e r . E x h a u s tion, illness, crisis and many other life situations adversely affect relationship. But they are in it for the long run; they remain hopeful and loyal. They are committed.

I believe it is really important to emphasize this to newly engaged couples: Marriage is a commitment and not to be abandoned at the first sign of trouble. Premarital counseling is a must for those who want to enter into marriage realistically and prepared. It's like obtaining a personal instruction manual for optimal marriage operation. Love really is not enough, at least not the kind usually exhibited by newlyweds.

Fourth and finally, couples who "work" on their relationship have fun together. They make an effort to block out "couple time"; no matter how much else is competing for their attention they are each other's priority. A friend of mine used to tell me that he was available "until Sue got home." She was his life partner and time with her was most precious to him.

Successful mates share stories with one another and laugh. A shared history is about the most abundant source of connection there is, fuel for many a joke and treasured memory.

T h e y are physically affectionate and tell each other "I love you" frequently. They forgive each other and don't let transgressions accumulate; they use conflict to reach greater understanding and connection.

If all this sounds like work to you, maybe it is. But it's the best kind of work that I know, with the highest reward potential. No amount of money can compare to a satisfying relationship. I wish you the best!

To my readers: I plan to write a future column on "seasons of marriage," and I need your help. I'd like your input on when your best time of marriage has been, such as when the kids were young, during retirement, as newlyweds, etc.

Let me know why you think it was especially good then. Please e-mail me at the address below. Thank you.

Deborah Barber, PhD (PSY 16654), is a clinical psychologist specializing in individual adult and couples therapy, with a private practice in Oak Park at (818) 5127923. Send questions/responses to askDrDB@yahoo.com.