Endangered Marriage

Married couples have finally "slipped into a minority" position among the nation's households according to an analysis of new census figures by The New York Times.

Apparently their numbers have been declining for decades, but the most recent American Community Survey findings found that married couples, both with and without children, accounted for only 49.7 percent of the measured groups. It seems that "a growing number of adults are spending more of their lives single or living unmarried with partners."

It's true that marriage has a lot of competition these days. Many of us are pursuing demanding careers or spending more time in college getting advanced degrees.

A college student in her 20s recently complained to me that "everyone is so busy," referring to peers, and that it is no longer easy to make relationships a priority. She rarely sees her boyfriend as they are both on intense career paths.

Young adults seem to be waiting until work lives are established before making relational commitments, and the age at first marriage continues to rise. Even when couples do com

mit to marriage, the impact of dual careers often is underestimated. The emotional health of the marriage can be compromised as partners spend long hours apart and in separate worlds, coming together only on weekends for quality time or, more likely, rest from hectic lives.

A young couple married three years came in for therapy to regain closeness; they told me that they "were leading separate lives." He worked from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., six days a week and she had a night job at a factory. Economically it made sense, but they had become strangers.

Finally, there is the impact of the soaring divorce rate on American households. Noted researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., in his longterm studies of marriage, found that the main reason for divorce was "a gradual growing apart and losing a sense of closeness" among couples.

Partners appear to value friendship in relationship and when that element deteriorates, they may look elsewhere for support and understanding. Gottman often works at rebuilding the marital friendship in distressed couples as part of an overall strategy to help them reconnect.

Is marriage doomed? Where will it all end? I think it depends upon our ability to prioritize and make informed decisions about how we want to live our lives. As a psychologist, I spend a lot of time helping people to develop awareness about themselves, their values, their choices and the multitude of options available to them in today's world. It can be difficult to go against the world view and make c h o i c e based on individuavalues.

As an example, the world appears to favor self-gratification, ladder-climbing and materialism over stable relationship-building and long-term marriage. We are in an "anything goes" society and we are faced with having to determine our own priorities and live according to what is personally meaningful.

However, it's interesting that when people come to the end of their lives and are asked what was most meaningful to them, they don't talk about the corporate ladder they climbed or about the number of cars they bought. They talk about relationships.

This holiday season, let's focus on the people around us. Let's be grateful for husbands and wives, daughters and sons, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, family, friends . . .

The following is a question from a reader:

Q: My boyfriend is asking me to move in with him. We've been together for three years now and are very serious. I've been living on my own since high school but my parents are very traditional and I think they would have a fit. Some of my friends have done this and they always look down on them for it. What should I do?

A: It sounds like you're caught between

what your boyfriend wants you t you think your to do and what you think your parents want. I think it's important for you to determine what your preference is, apart from outside "pressure."

Are you comfortable living with your boyfriend? Does this fit in with your values? Is this really a serious relationship or do you think you might have a desire to date someone else eventually?

Many couples use living together as a prerequisite for marriage to find out if they are compatible. I don't find this works well as there is no research supporting it. In fact, living together prior to marriage is not statistically supported as an "antidote" for divorce. Spend some time seriously exploring this issue so that you are confident with your decision and I stress your decision.

Deborah Barber, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Oak Park who specializes in individual, adult and couples therapy.