When It Comes to In-Laws:
Can't We All Just Get Along?
I heard my first positive inlaw story a few months ago from a couple who'd been on the verge of divorce early in their marriage. It seemed that each began demanding more of the other while giving less.
Conflict escalated to a defining role in the relationship, and the wife finally found a man who was much more loving and appreciative than her husband. She moved out and they prepared for divorce.
However, when she approached her parents with the sad story of her marriage, they insisted that she work it out and supported each of them in doing just that. It is now 28 years later and the couple is in the business of counseling other married couples, crediting her parents with the foundation of their strong, happy years of marriage.
Most of the time I hear terrible stories of families getting in the way of marriage and of relationships suffering as a result. One couple I know struggles with his mother, who is single and physically and mentally ill. The husband is torn between his demanding mother and his angry, alienated wife. He's dealing with it by withdrawing from both. Another wife feels like secondbest to her husband as his children from a previous marriage get most of his attention. She can't compete and is threatening to stop trying.
Families often become polarized and see those who've married in as outsiders, siding with "blood" members in disputes. This can become a recipe for disaster as partners try to work through normal relational conflicts while fielding pressure and influence from "wellmeaning" family members.
Is it important to protect our relationships and construct appropriate boundaries from outside influences, even if that means family members? The answer is a resounding yes! Why?
Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book "Boundaries in Marriage," warn that "marriage is an exclusive club" and means "forsaking all others" as the vows state. Because so many things can compete for our love and attention in life, it is important to give our partners first priority.
Married life requires love and security, which has to be built slowly over time and experiences of mutual trust. If others are allowed to come in and disrupt this intimate connection, it will become increasingly fragile.
When we marry, we create a new family. We decide how this new family will operate-the rules, expectations, activities and traditions. Our loyalties must change in order to allow our partners to fully connect with us and feel like the most important person in our lives. We have to let go of other alliances in order to put the most energy into our marriage.
Even children have to come second: Cloud and Townsend write that "parenting is temporary and marriage is permanent," though many families today put children at the center. This all means that we have to begin to recognize marital "intruders," whether they are other family members, friends or even our children, and set appropriate limits together with our partners. It means that we must recognize our own limitations in time, energy and resources and say no. According to Cloud and Townsend, "A life of 'yes' to everything else ultimately results in a 'no' to your marriage."
As the holidays draw near, think about how much your relationship is affected by "outside" influences and do everything you can to guard the vulnerable, emotional intimacy and safe haven that a strong marriage provides. It will be the best investment you ever make.
Following is a question from one of our readers.
Q: My husband has a friend I'll call "Bill" whom he's known since before we married (five years ago this month). Bill thinks nothing of stopping in at all hours of the evening, staying for meals and interrupting time that my husband and I have together, which is not that much as we both work. I've put up with this for years as I respect my husband's friendship with Bill, but I think it's affecting our marriage in a bad way. I've considered just spending more time with my girlfriends, but I really want some time alone with my husband. Do you think I should be upset about this?
A: I think Bill is "interrupting" your marriage and that you've been very restrained about voicing your concerns to your husband. What's keeping you from discussing this with him? You can approach him from the vantage point of loving to spend time with him and has he noticed how little you get together?
This can point the way to both of you "problem-solving" over the matter, and I'm certain Bill's name will come up. Have you celebrated your anniversary yet? Maybe you need a weekend away to begin to determine and set appropriate boundaries together.
Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in individual adult and couples therapy. She can be reached at (818) 5127923. Send your questions to askDrDB@yahoo.com.
