Please Stand?
I came across another version of the "Serenity Prayer" the other day. It states, "God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Denial is part of the human character and it's painful to admit to personal failings.
It's much easier to focus the attention outside of ourselves-usually on our partners as they happen to be conveniently located.
Not too long ago I listened to a couple talk about their versions of the "problem" in their relationship. He was sure that she'd been or was going to be unfaithful since she was no longer as loving to him as she'd been in the past. She was sure that he had issues from his childhood that needed to be resolved, including overattachment to a sister.
As they continued to come to therapy, it became clear that one of them was unable to progress past the definition of the problem as residing solely in the other person. Frustration mounted as one partner began to accept responsibility for being part of the problem and making changes, but the other did not. Ultimately, they were unable to get past "the blame game" and dropped out of therapy.
George Carlin once said, "I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed."
Nothing is going to change unless it begins with ourselves. It requires awareness, attitude adjustment and action.
First, we need to be honest about what our part is in a problem relationship. There is no such thing as "perfection" in relating to others: We all make mistakes. It takes courage to admit to them privately and it takes humility to admit them to our partners. But it is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship and a requirement for anything lasting over six months. We need to do some personal soul-searching in our quest for change.
Second is attitude change. According to William James, "The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
Changing attitude creates space for a multitude of differences: new appreciation of the other, understanding and empathy, and a realization that there is freedom in flexibility.
Solution-focused therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, in her book "Divorce Busting," describes how she asked a couple "to notice what's happening (in the relationship) that they want to continue to happen."
Paying attention to positive actions resulted in a shift of focus from expectations of rejection and alienation to an attitude of expecting good things to happen, thereby changing their relationship.
Finally, action is an integral component in change. It begins with visualizing how we want things to go and then modeling them to our partners. It doesn't help to wait for the other person to "get it" or to expect that they should.
The initiative has to come from us. Demonstrate the kind of affection you would like to get from your partner. Say the words that you would like to hear to them, without requiring anything in return.
Make attempts to actively change what you know you can in yourself without expecting that your partner will follow suit.
It's sometimes surprising to what extent thoughts and feelings about a negative situation can change as a result of taking some steps in a different and positive direction. Long ago Mahatma Gandhi said, "Be the change you are trying to create." There's no better place to start.
Following is a question from one of our readers.
Q: I feel uncomfortable when my wife is out late with her friends. She used to invite me along but now she goes by herself. I feel disrespected but when I tell her she needs to stop, she ignores me. My friends say she shouldn't be doing this, as their wives don't act this way. Whashould I do?
A: You mention what you want her to change, but why has she stopped inviting you? Are you aware of any issues between the two of you that may have contributed to this situation? You say that you feel disrespected buit sounds more like you're hurtAre you aware of what your feelings are and have you shared honestly with her? Approaching her from a "softer" and more open perspective rather than demanding she stop may result in greater communication and opportunity to problemsolve together.
Deborah Barber, PhD is a clinical psychologist who specializes in individual adult and couples therapy, with a private practice in Oak Park. Send your questions to askDrDB@yahoo.com.
