Love Is a Choice When I sit down with a couple for an initial meeting, I always ask about how they met and were first attracted to one another. For some it begins in a physical way; for others it's about feeling comfortable and being able to "say anything" to each other without fear of criticism.

There usually is present a feeling of love or passionate regard that is strong and euphoric. As the romance deepens, most feel they're with the one person in the world who truly understands and loves them. They become serious about the relationship and decide to marry, all the while experiencing an intensity of feeling for one another. So how do they reach my office? Isn't love enough to carry them through any difficulties? It really depends on your definition of love.

According to Ed Wheat, M.D., author of "Love Life for Every Married Couple," there is a common misconception of love.

Many believe "it is easy to love, requiring neither thought nor effort" and "it's just a matter of doing what comes naturally!" In addition, "Love is an uncontrollable feeling that comes and goes like a wayward sparrow, landing where it is not wanted and taking off as the mood strikes it." People fall in and out of love, leaving marriages and children with devastating results. Or they stay in "loveless marriages" out of obligation but with no thought as to what can be done to change things for the better.

If they believe that love is a "feeling" that just happens, then they become a "prisoner of love" with no options. Some do seek professional help eventually, but often only after years of relational pain and conflict.

One woman who came to my office had been in a destructive marriage for more than 15 years before she sought counseling, without her husband's knowledge.

"The truth is that love is an active power that you were meant to control by your own will," writes Wheat. It is a choice that people make when the going gets hard, as it inevitably will in long-term, committed relationships. It is a choice that is reinforced by thought and action. The kind of love that you want from your partner needs to be first demonstrated in the way you love them.

Wheat goes on to say, "While most people consider feeling supremely important . . . what you think about love will control your behavior and the desired feelings will come as a result of right thinking and right actions."

What thoughts or actions is he referring to? A great beginning is to focus less on self and more on the other. You can elevate your mate in your thoughts by considering their needs and ways of practically addressing them.

One young wife I counseled decided to try to make more meals her husband liked for dinner as a way of showing her love in a practical way. He, in turn, responded by being

more consistent

in coming home

on time and letting

her know when

he'd be late, a result that made her feel more special although that

wasn't her initial goal.

Showing thankfulness and appreciation for the other is another important act of love. Choosing to encourage rather than criticize is another.

Finding time to be together and sharing with one another is a continual reinforcement for love. It requires time and attention, a dedicated commitment to one another versus the world's demands on our time. In short, we need to choose to love one another every day, despite the differences and conflicts that arise to move us apart. It is a never-ending battle to choose love and fight for the relationship, but it is worth every ounce of effort in the end.

A recent study that appeared in The New York Times stated that "Americans are far more socially isolated today" and "compared with 1985, nearly 50 percent more people in 2004 reported that their spouse is the only person they can confide in."

However, if there is trouble in that relationship, they have no one to turn to. Let your relationship be a place where love grows and deepens to its fullest potential- your choice.

Following is a question from one of our readers.

Q: My husband and I want to get some marital counseling. How do I find a qualified therapist?

A: Check with your local professional organization, such as Conejo Valley Mental Health Professionals Association, Ventura

County Psychological Association or Los Angeles County Psychological Association.

All have websites. Discuss what qualities you would like in a counselor, such as gender, level of experience, age or special expertise such as Christian counseling. Interview a few on the phone and check out initial impressions.

However, usually only a first meeting will determine your level of comfort with proceeding. Others who've used counselors, such as friends or family, may also be sources of recommendation. In addition, local churches and physicians often have a listing of preferred practitioners.

Deborah Barber, Ph.D., is a li- censed clinical psychologist who specializes in individual adult and couples therapy

She has a private practice in Oak Park and can be reached at (818) 512-7923. Send your ques- tions to askDrDB@yahoo.com.