Romance

Among the Pots and Pans

According to Kevin Leman, internationally known psychologist, author and speaker on marriage, sex begins in the kitchen. That is, it starts with kind consideration of one another in the morning that continues throughout the day. Whenever husbands demonstrate caring behavior, such as helping around the house and picking up after themselves or the kids, it corresponds to a wife who is more open to an active and fulfilling love life. Women respond to a partner who demonstrates love outside the bedroom; it has very little to do with sexual technique. Great sex flows naturally from a close, communicative and loving relationship.

Men need to know that they are wanted by their wives, not just "accommodated." The truth is that pleasing their wives sexually is higher on most men's agendas than pleasing themselves. But something gets lost in the translation because men and women view sex in different ways; their sexual needs are often misunderstood by their partners. For example, according to research, men think about sex 33 times more often during the day than women do. They often confuse emotional versus sexual needs, something that women have more ability to differentiate. Further, men are biologically "ready" for sex without the "presentation" that women need.

Despite these differences, marriages depend upon partners lighting the fire and keeping the flame burning; a sexually satisfied partner rarely wanders. Sexual intimacy enhances the couple's bond and generates an atmosphere of joy and passion that spills over into family life. So how do we have the kind of love life that we want?

It's helpful to consider all the influences upon sexuality: Leman writes that "the marriage bed is one of the most crowded places on the face of the earth." It is filled with the "sexual baggage" of each partner in the form of parental influences, personality traits, societal "norms" and previous relationships. Sometimes past sexual trauma is present. We often have unconscious "rules" that govern our sexual behavior, but the good news is that these can be understood and/or changed.

Sexual intimacy is a lifelong journey that begins with knowing and becoming more known to our partner. It is a shared exploration of one another that evolves over time and experience, in an atmosphere of trust. We have to learn to be better lovers by discovering what fulfills our spouse sexually, not being afraid to be creative and practice, practice, practice. Routine is the enemy to intimacy in marriage. A gourmet chef becomes an expert by learning multiple recipes. Lovemaking, too, is enhanced when variety is a component.

Wives, surprise your husband with a sexy e-mail at the beginning of his day. Anticipation is as good as or better than participation! Husbands, be affectionate at the beginning of the day and don't be surprised if she's ready for more by the end of the day, especially if you help her along the way.

One of the biggest deterrents to a better love life is fatigue. We are a society that overvalues productivity. By the time the day is over, we've accomplished so much that we're ready for sleep, not love. Make a point to keep yourself "ready" for romance. This means getting enough sleep, keeping physically fit, making time for one another outside the bedroom, and keeping kids' priorities at a reasonable level. And ladies, you just may need to incorporate more sexual thoughts into your thought patterns: your marriage will benefit. So . . . take advantage of the hot, steamy summer nights (or days) and work on having the kind of love life that you've been made for!

Following is a question from one of our readers:

Q: I am the one who always initiates sex. My wife is willing when I ask, but it would be great if she would approach me sometimes. She really turns me on but I don't know if she feels that way about me. I have tried to talk to her about it but she seems embarrassed and changes the subject. What else can I try?

A: Most couples find it difficult to talk about sex. Many women are brought up to be sexually "passive." They may not be comfortable changing this behavior without some serious emotional care (assuming that there is no history of sexual trauma). Does she feel that her emotional needs are getting met? If so, let her know that you want to make the sexual part of your marriage even better. Try to engage her in a non-threatening discussion about her views on sex and comfort level with you. Try not to take it personally when she doesn't initiate but see it as part of her "sexual rulebook." Compliment her often. Make sure she understands that she "turns you on;" most women will feel more passionate when they know that their husbands find them desirable.

Deborah Barber, PhD is a li- censed clinical psychologist who specializes in individual adult and couples therapy with a private practice in Oak Park. Reach her at (818) 512-7923. Send your ques- tions to askDrDB@yahoo.com.